iPod stutter

Never knew iPods could be stuck... stuttering and stumbling over Barenaked Ladies:

Thanks, that was fun
Don't forget no regrets
Except maybe one
Made a deal not to feel
God that was dumb
-- BNL

considered backtracking but decided against it. What if it stutters again? What if it doesn't? Reading too much into too little, sensitivities see allegory where there may only be coincidence.
Followed by Coldplay:

All you ever wanted was love
But you never looked hard enough
It's never gonna give itself up
-- Coldplay, Low

I really need to install the old HD with the music library into the G5, so I can load all the new music I have onto the iPod. If it still works. Time for new music. The old has too many memories. What is it with music that it takes you back?

Then again. The old also has good memories.

Bussed to work today, a very pleasant experience, so much freer than the claustrophobic car. When you drive, you feel like you have control over and responsibility for the arrival time, and you stress about the traffic.
When you're on the bus, you know you are along for the ride. In my case, wherever that may lead, as I had very little idea of where I was or where I was heading. And i liked it. I liked not knowing the destination, not knowing what the next moment will bring.
What this bus ride brought was meeting someone who, it turns out, works here, lives in my complex (his place overlooks the pool), and rides a motor cycle that is now in the shop. We talked about his hikes to Elfin lakes and the Pemberton area. In the cocoon of a car you would never have the unexpected conversation.

Happy now, Kev? This is not a quote :-)

Burning Crusade

So yesterday we four-manned the Furnace. We were awesome. Here are some recent screen shots of Burning Crusade. For you, Kev. Wish you where there.

Things I'd never thought I'd say

Oh the things I have to admit to in the wee hours of the night, my own failings written on the ceiling in glow-in-the-dark paint. Mea Culpa. Mea Maxima Culpa.

I have to admit to

• eating a McDonalds chicken burger for breakfast and liking it
• eating Kraft Dinner with copious amounts of ketchup and liking it
• listening to Justin Timberlake, and worse, singing with it, and *worse* liking it :-)
  

Through the Looking Glass

Nothing to hold onto but the smoke that spins my head. Clear metal strings fold cold aluminium foil over my forehead, drums trickling down my immobile cheeks.

I let go of the world that was holding
a passenger that could not fly
in search of souls
souls in search of something
let it go
let it slide
-- Our Lady Peace, Starseed

Diving down finding the burning turmoil beneath. Play nice now. Always play nice now.

So I had to break the window
It just had to be
Better that I break the window
Than him or her or me
-- Fiona Apple, Window

Taken apart and back together again,
Hooks removed and vultures slain

Let's pretend there's a way of getting through into it, somehow, Kitty. Let's pretend the glass has got all soft like gauze, so that we can get through. Why, it's turning into a sort of mist now, I declare! It'll be easy enough to get through—' She was up on the chimney-piece while she said this, though she hardly knew how she had got there. And certainly the glass was beginning to melt away, just like a bright silvery mist.
-- Alice through the Looking Glass

You know

From my hands I could give you
Something that I made
From my mouth I could sing you another brick that I laid
From my body I could show you a place God knows
You should know the space is holy
Do you really want to go?
-- Nelly Furtado, "Say It Right"

Love this song.

It's just a moment

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

From Tali to her Grandma

From Tali (Bob's daughter) to her grandma. Tali, I wish I had the grace to say it so beautifully.

To My Grandma and My Family.
On account of her death, on Jan. 17 2007.
A week before she died and a few days before I left to study yoga, Grandma told me, proudly, that she would be returning in the next life as an eagle. To this Jim can attest. So I found it no small surprise that on Jan. 17th at around 1 o'clock. a magnificent bald eagle swooped down out of the sky. As she turned gracefully away, I remembered thinking that I had witnessed something special. When I recieved the phone call at 5.30pm from Dad letting me know she had passed on, I quickly remembered the eagle from lunch.
As I awoke the next morning, it again struck me, my grandmas wisdom came flooding back. In Hatha yoga at 7am on Jan 18th, the pose that we were to explore and reflect on was ....of course, the eagle. grandma made an impact.
the following wisdom ensued. Though grandma was not a spiritual woman by any bold definition, she certainly was a strong one. She taught me in those moments as my body twisted into the eagle position, that strength and grace are not determined by how we enter into the world, for we all come in kicking and screaming, but for how we exit.
Grandmas goodbyes were thorough and composed, as she was until she died.
May she rest peacefully and may my family know that she will remain ever in my heart as those teachings.
Though I cannot be there in person to share with you.
May the wisdom of her death be an inspiration to my family in their endeavours after her passing.
sincerely in grace,
natalia leigh hautala.


so dad, mum. jack. whaddya think. read it out if you want at the funeral. i love you all so very much and as i to enter into the world with the grace of a woman not the grief of a child, i will keep that with me.

namaste kids.

Finding what you're looking for
Can end up being such a bore
If you see me getting mighty
If you see me getting high
Knock me down
I'm not bigger than life

It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself
-- Knock Me Down, Red Hot Chilli Peppers

"The chase [for drugs] is always exciting. There are cops and bad guys and freaks and hookers. You're diving into a big insidious video game, but again, you're being tricked into thinking that you're doing something cool, since the price is always bigger than the payoff.

You immediately give up your love and your light and your beauty, and you become a dark black hole in the universe, sucking up bad energy and not walking around putting a smile on someone's face or helping someone out or teaching someone something that's going to help his or her life. You're not creating the ripple of love; you're creating the vacuum of shit. I want to describe both sides of how I felt, but it's important to know that in the end all the romantic glorification for dope fiendery amounts to nothing but a hole of shit. It has to appear enticing, because that's why God or the universe, creative intelligence or whatever you want to call it, put that energy here. It's a learning tool, and you can either kill yourself with it or you can turn yourself into a free person with it."
-- Anthony Kiedis, Scar Tissue

Note To Self

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
-- Snow Patrol, It's beginning to get to me



I'm reading "Scar Tissue" by Anthony Kiedis, the lead singer of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, and I wonder why I keep reading. So far, it is a continuous stream of drug use, women use, people use, and self-abuse with the odd bit of exaltation with the vibes of music and fan adoration.
A person like that, so selfish and self-absorbed - why the fascination? It isn't fascination with drugs and sex; these aren't all that well described and seem mostly sordid and squalid, I've read much more entertaining accounts!
It isn't fascination with the "Bad Boy", as I said to Dana, even though I love the look (the tattoos, the piercings, the clothes) my attraction has always been for the sweet, the thoughtful, the compassionate.

What then?

I think I envy someone who can ruthlessly choose to live only for himself, make his own choices with no regards for anyone but his own needs. Anthony ab-uses his friends, his lovers, his drugs and himself in an orgy of immediate self-gratification and self-stimulation.

I know I contrast this with myself and find myself lacking. I always hold back, don't do as I please, don't do what I wish, for fear it may upset someone. I am who you want me to be, rather than who I wish to be. And this is what I need to learn.

I have chosen to enshrine the thought of freedom, to embrace solitude and singleness with the sole purpose of seeing the choices I would make, were there no-one to consider. I wonder if I can be so, but am willing to try.

I listen to Dana, how he encourages Tanya to walk corridors of her own choosing - I look at the pictures and admire her for her individuality, her beauty, her ability to be outside the norm. To love someone is to let them be free to be themselves. To love yourself is to allow yourself such freedom. We talked, Renbo, about encouraging someone to improve, because we think it in their best interest. But that is setting our goals for them. That is saying that they need to change, and would be better for it, based on our values.

But then - what about Anthony? No-one would say he is living a good life...

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?

Still Life

still life
Originally uploaded by kokjebalder.

Forget what we're told
before we grow too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
-- Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars

Regaining a sense of balance and centre, a sense of wholeness. Supported by copious amounts of coffee :-)

Global Warming

First Blossom January
Originally uploaded by siebe.

Can't ignore the signs anymore, can we.... My parents tell me, as Siebe's picture shows, that in Holland the flowers are coming out. How can flowers be coming out, now? They've had no snow, no cold spell. All of nature messed up.
Wobbe tells me that in New York, it has barely been cold. We had snow again yesterday, and freezing temperatures.

Nothing makes sense anymore. We're all out of time. Don't you wish you could wind back the clock, knowing what we know now?

Don't move
Don't talk out of time
Don't think
Don't worry
Everything's just fine
Just fine
-- U2, Numb

Just For Laughs

Thank you Ryan, for making me laugh, you're a great teller of jokes! :-) Great lunch discussion. I think it is true... One thing that makes being in a relationship so special is that you can save all the funny, cute, take-your-breath-away, I-need-a-hug and let-me-show-you-this-read-this moments; to share with someone who really wants to hear about them.

Promised Ryan something-that-makes-you-laugh per day. My brother sent me this link, so funny! Therapy of laughter.

And oh, if only I could relocate...

Burning Desire

Burning Crusade!!!!

One Need in the Night...

Bob says "Burn Baby Burn" :-)

/console

Bob, my thoughts and prayers are with you. We knew this was coming, but knowing and feeling is different. I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose a parent.... I had a big cry for you, hope that helped. If not, then maybe a latte will. Here for you.

Vancouver Aquarium
Originally uploaded by Jet Of Hearts.

Originally uploaded by Jet Of Hearts.

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
-- Snow Patrol, You Could Be Happy

Mad World

I'm ok, I'm fine. Really. I will be, once I stop embarassing myself by empty platitudes and silly selfish insecurity. It will fade. Once it stops being about me, I will be ok. Once I am no longer a player, but a spectator on the sideline, cheering the team on, I will be ok. Even when it snows.

"No, I'm not trying to make a some kind of point except to say I like this poem because of its simple message. "
"What's that?"
"That people should stop bothering people. Little Bo Peep backs off. She could stay up all night, waiting and whimpering by the door, but she knows better. She trusts her sheep. She leaves them alone and they come home, and you can imagine the joyful reunion, a lot of merry bleating and frolicking and deep expression of satisfaction from the rams as they settle in for the night while Bo Peep knits by the fire happy in the knowledge that in her daily rounds, caring for the sheep and their offspring, she has bothered nobody."
-- Frank McCourt on "Little Bo Peep" in "Teacher Man"

I think Bo Peep is a saint. I think it is hard to reach that level of detachment.

Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson,
Look right through me,
Look right through me
-- Mad World, Gary Jules cover of Tears for Fears

Cow Holland

Cow Holland
Originally uploaded by siebe.

I *love* this guy's pictures, check them out.

I remember....

Amsterdam
Originally uploaded by siebe.

I remember skating on the canal in Assen, with my brothers or my dad. With proper ice and wind conditions you can go faster than a bike, faster than the wind, faster than your thoughts. The rythmic sound of the scratching of the skates, the icy breaths frosting on your scarf.

Until you hit that soft spot. :-)

I remember my dad (and me? or me?) skating on a canal in the middle of farm country in Drenthe, in total solitude, finding ourselves on ice that didn't hold our weight. I think it was next to a lock or a bridge. In my memory, I see my dad holding himself up on his elbows, his body had disappeared under the ice. He got himself out... but we were miles and miles away from anybody and from the car.
We skated as fast as we could back to the car, a good 15 minutes, soaking wet in freezing temperatures. There were no cellphones then. We could see farms on either side of the canal - but how to get there? Walking on skates isn't easy, and they looked closer than they actually were. Besides. Walking would break the skates, and can't have that.

I remember climbing into the car with our skates on - they were frozen solid and we couldn't take them off. Even once we switched the engine on, it took a while before the laces melted sufficiently to take the skates off so dad could drive. It took even longer for us to warm up again.

It felt like an adventure, it felt exhilarating, I thought it funny. In hindsight, being a parent now... I wonder how my dad remembers this.

We would go skating on the lakes, forty or sixty kilometers. We would eat hot green pea soup and drink hot chocolate bought from vendor stalls on the ice. Warming our hands on the heat seeping through the cup.

Parallel

January 11, 2007
There is a possibility of undesirable changes in the domestic circle or through one's career. Emotional instability can push you into seeking an ultimatum from those you love the most. A new boss with whom you do not get along can cause emotional upsets. Affairs of grandparents or a parent may require your personal attention and concern
-- Capricorn

So today was... not so good, to say the least. Thank you for the hugs, my friends. To console myself, I bought Snow Patrol, and took Saskia out for Chinese in the food court. And bought myself water paints. Who knows?
Saskia tells me I am so amazing that I can assemble an Ikea desk so well.
Who knows?
I am stronger than I think and make a choice.
Who knows?
I can point a camera and make magic happen.
Who knows?
Maybe I can make a thing of beauty?

The sun glinting on snow so brightly today.

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapse under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost
-- Snow Patrol

IMG_0043.JPG
Originally uploaded by Jet Of Hearts.

Seriously now

I wonder Jeanne, I wonder, about your belief in my rose-coloured glasses. I think I am much more self-centered than you give me credit for. I think do see bad, sometimes undeserved. I don't believe and trust when I should. And find this unconditional love and forgiveness harder than I would like to admit...

Do onto others as you would have them to onto you. Do I? Have I? Or do I let my hurt blind me to other's needs? Is the anger I hold in and deny, is it poisoning my eyes, poisoning my voice, poisoning my ears?

Not that it matters anymore but...

We can only change ourselves. We only have control over our own actions. And from every pain, there's some lesson to be learned. And yes Jeanne. Learn and apply.

Renbo said a wise thing. He said - when you stop talking about things to your friends, try to do it all yourself... that's when you fall down. Because your friends will question your actions. Will ask you to look deep into your heart and find out why. Because they care. And want the best for you. Because they care, they will challenge you. And maybe challenge is what you need sometimes, more than comfortable agreement or silence.

From Hillel (הלל):
A certain heathen said, "Make me a proselyte, on condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot." Hillel said to him,

"What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor: that is the whole Torah; all the rest of it is commentary; go and learn."
(Babylonian Talmud, tractate Shabbat 31a.)

SNOW (and some leaves thrown in for good measure)

SNOW (and some leaves thrown in for good measure)
Originally uploaded by Jet Of Hearts.

So the power went out at the school, and that means we're again spending a cosy day at home. Kids are building a fort with the chairs and blankies, and have picked ABBA and Crazy Frog for the music.
Irene was kind enough to pick the kids up from daycare yesterday while I wrestled with traffic for three hours to get home via the Second Narrows. Irene fed me a wonderful pork/bean/yam stew. Her husband, Al, came home shortly after we started eating, said he'd just left downtown and the Lion's Gate had reopened, so it only took him a short while to get home :-)

Irene's mum was 7 months pregnant when she arrived in Vancouver from Holland. Can you imagine, said Irene, giving birth when you can't speak the language? They didn't let husbands into the delivery room then.... Irene would like to take her mum back to Holland and have her revisit old places and share family stories... Can I tell her that the past is gone? Buildings might be there, shells of history, but the warmth has dissipated into the cold air of the present.

We are the champions my friend!
And we keep on fighting till the end!
No time for losers!
-- Crazy Frog after Queen

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
-- Crazy Frog after Gloria Gaynor

My faith was put into question... "You do not even believe in God, so what are you going on about!". Maybe I find the questions more interesting than any answers?
When we say the Lord's Prayer... I think of the 2,000 years that people have been saying that prayer, have been wrestling with these same questions... Isn't that a great connection to the past?

Last time we met was a low-lit room
We were as close together as bride and groom
We ate the food, we drank the wine
Everybody having a good time
Except you
You were talking about the end of the world
-- U2, End of the World

I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay
Aint it sad
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me
Thats too bad
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy man
I wouldn't have to work at all, I'd fool around and have a ball...
-- ABBA, Money Money Money

Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last

Timing is everything

On a morning like this, one needs a bright light, and who better to provide it than Apple :-) Finally! Maybe myths are not that far from reality after all....

Music

Had a chance to sing with the octet this morning - and Jeanne came to listen, so sweet! We sang Lux Arumque better than ever before.... Gerry said it gave him shivers, and what bigger compliment than that?
Oh look at that - it is on the podcast already!

I hope 2007 will be a year of light and strength...

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose,
Nothing don't mean nothing honey if it ain't free, now now.
And feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,
You know feeling good was good enough for me,
Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.
-- Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee

Wobblology

The science of Wobbly tables - I'll leave it to my brother Wobbe to blogpost about this :-)


Went to see "Children of Men" yesterday (love Clive Owen), very good movie. Reminds you of what happens when you lose all hope.



iPod shuffle was there for me yesterday:

1. Marillion - Lavender

I was walking in the park dreaming of a spark
When I heard the sprinklers whisper,
Shimmer in the haze of summer lawns.
Then I heard the children singing,
They were running through the rainbows.
They were singing a song for you.
Well it seemed to be a song for you,
the one I wanted to write for you, for you, you.
Lavenders blue, dilly dilly, lavenders green.
When I am King, dilly dilly, you will be Queen.
A penny for your thoughts my dear,
A penny for your thoughts my dear,
I.O.U. for your love, I.O.U. for your love.
Lavenders green, dilly dilly, lavenders blue.
When you love me, dilly dilly, I will love you.
A penny for your thoughts my dear,
A penny for your thoughts my dear,
I.O.U. for your love, I.O.U. for your love.
For your love, for your love, for your love.

2. U2, Please

So love is hard and love is tough
But love is not what you`re thinking of

September
Streets capsizing
Spilling over
Down the drain
Shards of glass splinters like rain
But you could only feel
Your own pain
October
Talking getting nowhere
November
December
Remember
Are we just starting again

Please
Please
Please
Get up off your knees
Please
Please
Please
Please

So love is big bigger than us
But love is not what your thinking of
It`s what lovers deal
It`s what lovers steal
You know I`ve found it hard to receive
`Cause you my love I could never believe

3. Stone Temple Pilots - Sex & Violence

4. Our Lady Peace - Under Zenith

5. In My Place, Coldplay

5. Our Lady Peace - Dirty Walls

6. Our Lady Peace - Made to Heal

(iPod bent on OLP :-) )

7. I Walk Beside You - Dream Theatre

8. Another Woman, Moby

9. Sassafras Roots, Green Day

10. When You're Gone, Cranberries

Dogmatix

"I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant."
-- Dogma: must-see movie according to Kev

As all historians know, the past is a great darkness, and filled with echoes. Voices may reach us from it; but what they say to us is imbued with the obscurity of the matrix out of which they come; and try as we may, we cannot always decipher them precisely in the clearer light of our day.
Margaret Atwood (b. 1939), Canadian novelist, poet, critic. The Handmaid’s Tale, “Historical Note,” (1986).

Where we used to live

At times, especially on rainy dark days... I think of home, and I mean back home. You never really leave, and you can never really go back.

For some pictures, have a look at kokjebalder's or Grunn's.

Only memories, fading memories
Blending into dull tableaux
-- BNL, Old Apartment

I wish....

We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don’t need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

-- Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars

Wanted: 570g

I need *need* 570g soonish, now that I'm level 56.... and only have 230g to my name.

So close to 60... And even though TMO says that riding skills will go down in price with BC, still...

So.... whatever it takes. Gloves come off. As Saskia would sing... "money makes the vorld go round the vorld go round the vorld go round, that clinking clanking sound!"

Make Love, Not Warcraft...
:-)