Note To Self

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
-- Snow Patrol, It's beginning to get to me



I'm reading "Scar Tissue" by Anthony Kiedis, the lead singer of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, and I wonder why I keep reading. So far, it is a continuous stream of drug use, women use, people use, and self-abuse with the odd bit of exaltation with the vibes of music and fan adoration.
A person like that, so selfish and self-absorbed - why the fascination? It isn't fascination with drugs and sex; these aren't all that well described and seem mostly sordid and squalid, I've read much more entertaining accounts!
It isn't fascination with the "Bad Boy", as I said to Dana, even though I love the look (the tattoos, the piercings, the clothes) my attraction has always been for the sweet, the thoughtful, the compassionate.

What then?

I think I envy someone who can ruthlessly choose to live only for himself, make his own choices with no regards for anyone but his own needs. Anthony ab-uses his friends, his lovers, his drugs and himself in an orgy of immediate self-gratification and self-stimulation.

I know I contrast this with myself and find myself lacking. I always hold back, don't do as I please, don't do what I wish, for fear it may upset someone. I am who you want me to be, rather than who I wish to be. And this is what I need to learn.

I have chosen to enshrine the thought of freedom, to embrace solitude and singleness with the sole purpose of seeing the choices I would make, were there no-one to consider. I wonder if I can be so, but am willing to try.

I listen to Dana, how he encourages Tanya to walk corridors of her own choosing - I look at the pictures and admire her for her individuality, her beauty, her ability to be outside the norm. To love someone is to let them be free to be themselves. To love yourself is to allow yourself such freedom. We talked, Renbo, about encouraging someone to improve, because we think it in their best interest. But that is setting our goals for them. That is saying that they need to change, and would be better for it, based on our values.

But then - what about Anthony? No-one would say he is living a good life...

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?